Philip Lewis Friedman (Jason Schwartzman) is a young, New York author on the verge of having his second novel published. He is also a self-absorbed, arrogant windbag who seems to despise the trappings of his minor success almost as much as he enjoys rubbing people’s noses in it.

After a a damp squib of a cinema release, Listen Up Philip arrives on DVD to little fanfare and it’s not hard to see why. Writer/director Alex Ross Perry has crafted an admirable character study of a complete and utter anus and made it, quite deliberately it seems, as hard to love as its central character.

The plot should offer the perfect escape route, but it’s pigheadedly linear. After pissing off – with little comeuppance – his ex, an old friend, his publisher and his girlfriend, Philip meets fellow author Ike (Jonathan Pryce, on equally fine form), a similarly conceited, miserable old fart – the effective ghost of Christmas still to come. Will Scrooge realise the errors of his ways? Don’t count on it. But don’t expect an illuminating counter narrative either.

It’s a tragicomedy with some well placed barbs, a well judged sense of awkwardness, and a teaspoon of pathos, but it’s just too sour for its own good. Every time you feel you’re getting somewhere with Philip the film, Philip the character pops up with yet another pompous putdown or lecture. One step forward, two steps back.

Being billed as ‘Wes Anderson meets Woody Allen’ doesn’t help. Earnest voiceover plus neurotic, Jewish Manhattanite is seemingly all it takes. Rushmore this ain’t. The jazz bar lite score, meanwhile, could be tongue in cheek. It’s hard to tell.

It’s not that it doesn’t ring true – Schwartzman’s Philip is spot on, that dickhead at the party who’s clearly worked hard to perfect his air of disdain. If you live in London, you’ll feel as if you’ve met him already. But his – and the film’s – apparent pathological aversion to emotional progress makes for a pretty unsatisfactory viewing experience.

Extras: There’s a short making of doc, interviews with the director (Alex Ross Perry), cinematographer (Sean Price Williams) and title designer (Teddy Blanks), and an amusing little video of Jason Schwartzman being stopped by the police while filming.

Tony has awarded Listen Up Phillip on DVD two Torches of Truth

The idea of age and identity for actresses, particularly in Hollywood, has become a (sore) talking point in recent times. Stories of women being deemed too old for roles, when their male counterparts are allowed to indulge, are rife in the business and unless you are Meryl Streep, there are few interesting parts for females of a ‘certain age’. Director Oliver Assayas manages to take an intellectual look at this issue with Clouds of Sils Maria as well as giving his leading actress Juliette Binoche the kind of deep, nuanced role that is scarcely seen in mainstream films.

Maria Enders (Binoche), a respected actress, is travelling to the Swiss Alps with her personal assistant Valentine (Kristen Stewart) in tow to collect an award on behalf of the reclusive playwright she owes her career to. His play Maloja Snake, about a young woman who seduces her boss Helena and drives her to destruction, made Maria a star in both stage and screen versions however she is asked to take part in a new adaptation of the play, this time as Helena. At first reluctant, Maria accepts the role, her inability to let go of something so intrinsic to her, and she holes herself up with Valentine in a cabin at the titular Sils Maria to rehearse. As they study the play, it begins to reflect their lives and their different perspectives; themes of age and identity form then dissipate like the clouds that linger over the hills.

It is a beautifully layered performance by Binoche, deeply defiant yet peppered with melancholy. However it is Stewart who really impresses, dispelling any cynicism about her acting ability that may have been warranted by the Twilight movies, she is smart and assured with a subtle wink to post modern fame. The frisson between the two actresses is a joy to behold in a film that is unafraid to be profound and which values character above spectacle, something which is often severely lacking in this cinematic age.

Extras: An interview with writer/director Oliver Assayas, who reveals that the film was specifically written with Binoche in mind.

Linsey has awarded Clouds of Sils Maria on DVD four Torches of Truth

Throwing zombies into a Schwarzenegger film may conjure up images of bloody battlefields strewn with bullet shells and carcasses while cheap quips are spat through clouds of thick cigar smoke. But anyone approaching Arnie’s latest expecting that kind of generic zombie/ action flick may be disappointed, for Maggie is far from the conventional Romero calibre or the type of 80s foray that made Schwarzenegger famous. Maggie is more of a drama about a family coming to terms with illness and the bond between a father (Schwarzenegger) and daughter (Abigail Breslin) in the run up to her demise, her slow entry into a dark, monstrous world.

Schwarzenegger has always had a magnificent, domineering screen presence, even when in subtle, reflective mode. Here he plays widowed farmer Wade, struggling to keep his infected daughter from a gang of lawmen determined to move her to a safety zone where the infected are dealt with accordingly. As a long-time resident, Wade is given leeway and the chance to end his daughter’s life in his own time while getting as much quality time in as possible. But Maggie’s evolving corpse-like characteristics and violent outbursts soon threaten their once peaceful family home.

Maggie is a bleak and harrowing drama about family hardship with the almost undead. First time Director Henry Hobson expertly melds zombie subgenre trends without allowing them to override the narrative or haunting visuals. While the slight and sombre plot slows the pace somewhat in the first half, making Maggie feel more like a tightly focused character study, the well-conjured atmosphere and skilful editing compensate for the lack of gruelling tension, horror and action normally associated with Arnie flicks and zombie subgenre.

Maggie sometimes reeks of the disease themed movie-of-the-week but with great directing, stunning cinematography and the not unwelcome walking dead element. Limited locations and sparse landscapes highlight the minimal budget but the overriding Schwarzenegger presence bolsters Maggie into becoming a film fitting to the cinematic medium. The story crawls to a cumbersome pace but a decent performance from Abigail Breslin as Maggie is compelling enough to maintain attention for the majority. Unfortunately, Maggie (the film) is not quite the overdue career resuscitator Arnie might have hoped for but it’s a heck of a lot better than Terminator Genisys.

Daniel has awarded Maggie three Torches of Truth

This week sees the release of director Peyton Reed’s Ant-Man: a zany Marvel behemoth that cleverly weaves comedy and heist movie attributes into their trademark bombardment of vibrant visuals and barnstorming action. New Empress caught up with the film’s key players at a press conference in London to talk about working for Marvel on the film after original director Edgar Wright’s departure, conjuring their characters and what the future holds for the mighty film studio.

Peyton Reed (Director): When I came on board as director, Adam McKay and Paul Rudd were starting the re-writes. Adam and I bonded over the fact that we grew up reading comics and there were some elements in them that had not made their way into Edgar Wright and Joe Cornish’s script that we wanted to introduce. We also wanted to take Joe and Edgar’s heist movie motif and add it to the visual language. I think it’s fair to say that none of us would be here and there might not have even been an Ant-Man movie if it weren’t for Edgar and Joe. What they did was genius.

Paul Rudd (Scott Lang/ Ant-Man/ Writer): When we were writing the script and working on the movie both Adam and I felt that if we veered too far from something that doesn’t make sense in the Marvel universe, something that isn’t true to the comic or true to these characters, then Marvel would rein us back in. And the idea of my character Scott Lang, doing everything that he does for his daughter in the comics, is the same imprint we used for him in the film.

Michael Douglas (Hank Pym): I was never a comic kid growing up, more of a black and white television fiend so Marvel were kind enough to send me the script of Ant-Man along with a leather bound copy of two years worth of comics which I digested. I was looking through them and thinking my goodness here’s my character, Hank Pym: very brilliant, widowed scientist and warrior who created this incredible factory and Pym foundation technology. There was more backstory for this character than any of the more reality-based movies that I had done so I had a pretty good blue print to follow.

Peyton Reed (Director): Hank Pym in the comics is such a complicated character and we had a very complicated man playing that character (Michael Douglas) who has made a career out of playing characters with a lot of grey area so it was important for me to try and deepen Hank for the film.

Michael Douglas (Hank Pym): As we were filming all together there were people doing special effects, there were stunts and there were also people working with ants which was pretty phenomenal. Being able to juggle all the pieces together was quite impressive. I have a great appreciation for actors who work with green screen because there really isn’t anything there. Talk about having to play make believe. Paul was also an anchor for the entire picture. He made all the other actors around him welcome. He gave himself a lot of good lines but he’s entitled to that.

Paul Rudd (Scott Lang/ Ant-Man/ Writer): I never really thought about that until you said it. I didn’t mean to. Thank you Michael. I had Marvel comics growing up but I was more a casual reader. There was a while I was into The Hulk but primarily because of the TV show. I read some of the Marvel comics but I was more into English comics. My aunt and uncle would send me some from the UK called Beano and Dandy so I grew up with those characters. I was more into Roger the Dodger, Archie and stuff like that.

Michael Peña (Luis): I grew up poor so there was not a lot of comics around for me. But my kid’s going to be seven years old soon and I started reading comics to him when he was one. Not anything like The Punisher but kid friendly stories. Now he knows everything about the Marvel world and before I left to go and do Ant-Man he said: “Dada… don’t mess it up.” There’s not a comic book that I know of called Luis so I’m actually portraying someone in Ant-Man who, in real life, lives in Chicago. He may or may not be a criminal. May or may not be in jail. I cannot say. But his name is Pablo.

Peyton Reed (Director): It’s not the guy who introduced himself at the premiere as your brother?

Michael Peña (Luis): It’s this guy I know who I think is really funny. He complains all the time but he’s totally smiling. He was key to my character. You can’t make him up. I remember about five years ago I said to him “Hey what did you do this weekend?” and he said “Ah I went to jail, dog.”

Paul Rudd (Scott Lang/ Ant-Man/ Writer): I figured, if I’m in really good shape as Scott Lang, I will feel like less of an imposter in my role so I didn’t do anything fun for a year. I ate no carbs or sugar. I worked out. I basically made health and fitness the focus of my day for a very long time. I was eating a lot protein and vegetables, I didn’t drink any alcohol and I was miserable to be around for about a year but I enjoyed having the focus.

Michael Douglas (Hank Pym): Seeing my CG self at the beginning of the movie, made to look thirty years younger, was incredible. I had these little dots all over my face and I had all these lines and then halfway through the scene they disappeared and there I was thirty years ago, Romancing the Stone.

Paul Rudd (Scott Lang/ Ant-Man/ Writer): I watched that two days ago! It was on TV. It was so great to see that again.

Michael Douglas (Hank Pym): I could be up for a prequel myself.

Peyton Reed (Director): I hope audiences will respond to this movie and if we’re fortunate enough to make another Ant-Man I think there’s a lot of story left to tell. There’s also a freedom at Marvel to tonally do whatever we think serves the story best. This happens to be a highly comedic heist movie in terms of its structure and tone but I think there’s a portion of Ant-Man that will always have a comedic component to it. But I like the idea that we can invent an entirely different field for a sequel if we’re fortunate enough to be able to do one.

Paul Rudd (Scott Lang/ Ant-Man/ Writer): Ant-Man 2 will be like a Bergman film. Very quiet, black and white.

Peyton Reed (Director): Yes. We’ll shoot in Sweden and it’s going to be all about Scott’s silence. There are definitely some hints for Scott’s future in Ant-Man and we also know that he is going to appear in Captain America: Civil War, which is very exciting. If you’d have heard Paul’s voice when he finished his first day of shooting on the movie you would know he was very excited.

Paul Rudd (Scott Lang/ Ant-Man/ Writer): Yes. There will be a lot of war in that. But it’s a civil war.

Ant-Man is released on 17 July.

Anyone intending to see The Human Centipede (Final Sequence) should by now know what they’re getting themselves into. Even though writer/ director Tom Six’s crud and gut splatter features are far from exemplary film-making, his trilogy brags distinguishing qualities that make them more than mere franchise fodder. Each of the three films has a unique visual style, combined with an inimitable blend of angry, surrealist horror and dark, sardonic humour. But despite Six’s tendency to revel in the demented, his understanding of film as a means to tell a story remains somewhat questionable.

Dieter Laser (Dr Heiter from the first film) returns to the franchise, this time playing lamentable US prison warden William Boss, a hulking great psycho in a cowboy hat, alongside lowly accountant Dwight (Human Centipede 2 star Laurence R Harvey). After a series of violent run-ins with inmates, Boss and Dwight seek out new punishment methods to lower the prison’s expenditure. In the trilogy’s emblematic meta fashion, Dwight watches the first two Centipede films and convinces Boss to stitch their inmates together, to cut costs and impress the haughty Governor Hughes (Eric Roberts).

Six presents his mulch coated canvas with tongue locked permanently in cheek and a wild, childlike fervour. While the story is slack, the comedy, characters and lead performances remain boisterous and striking. Laser and Harvey are hilarious, with Boss exuding such throat-scathing anarchy you can’t help but laugh at his audacity. There are a number of yuck moments in the style of early Pete Jackson/ Sam Raimi, melded with Wiley Coyote freneticism that makes the gore more comedic than upsetting. But this time controversy derives from the politically incorrect characters who rile with their callous insults.

Despite the indecencies, The Human Centipede (Final Sequence) is not as visually nauseating as the previous films. The story lacks refinement (and common decency) as too much time is spent establishing the protagonists but there is a great deal of panache in the vibrant production and playful performances. The limp plotting, lack of resolve and terrible supporting cast hinder the whole and, by the final third, Boss’ insane jabbering grows tiring but THC3 lingers in the memory due to its cracked, intriguing demeanour, animated characters and scathing absurdity. It will certainly be shunned by many but embraced by the freaky few, those partial to this sort of thing.

Daniel has awarded The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence) three Torches of Truth

Flash marries Ted and Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth) at the start of the film and everyone gets their happy ending. But when the newlyweds apply to adopt a kid the government cottons on to Ted [not paying taxes] and he has to fight the power for his right to party as a sentient being. Mark Wahlberg, as thunder buddies must, backs him up at every turn. This is a sequel that threatens to bite the big one but rescues itself with ‘safe’ gross out and near the knuckle humour.

Amanda Seyfried plays Ted’s consistently half-baked newbie lawyer Samantha, standing up in court to liken Ted’s experience to that of slaves in America once upon a time while the bad guy from the first film (Giovanni Ribisi) cooks up another plan to get Ted all to himself. It certainly sounds like a very bad sequel. In line with those initial impressions, the first twenty minutes or so are uncertain and the film could go either way; it could go all out civil rights and ridiculous itself right into all the bad film lists or it could tell another Flash Gordon or Star Wars joke and hula into the Family Guy comfort zone. Which of those it does is totally dependent on personal taste, even more so than usual. Ted 2 is a complete surrender to the comic style that director/writer Seth MacFarlane is most known for.

Simply put, if you liked Ted you will like Ted 2. The constant on the edge of tastelessness humour and pop culture references flow thick and fast but not to the point of being too much. Ted 2 is at its essence a series of nostalgia-tinted sketches held together by an almost dubious main concept, but it just about works. The performances are merely safe for most of the film but you have to give Wahlberg props for his buy in to the whole Teddy bear real life best friend scenario.

Of course Ted 2 could be criticised for the appropriation of slavery history. Yes, it does seem ridiculous. But it would be hard not to appreciate the effort to remind people just how ridiculous the notions underlying the subjugation of one set of humans were, and still are. Clearly some still need reminding.

Maryann has awarded Ted 2 three Torches of Truth

This quaint and quirky indie from debut writer/director Sam Esmail seems like a sugary relation to last week’s Brit rom-com Everyone’s Going To Die. But where Jones’ film was a darker, crime-linked love tale, Comet offers a discombobulating sci-fi twist by weaving parallel universes into its slender almost chemistry-free romance. Justin Long stars as the cynical Dell, a neurotic stoner who meets Kimberly (Emmy Rossum) at a meteor shower viewing event. Kim abandons her jock douche date to run off with Dell and the film charts the couples’ relationship through various periods via slack plotting, entwining timelines and alternative realities before waning for a drab finale.

Long is on top form, channelling Woody Allen with his over-analytical, quick-fire ribbing and Rossum is also decent but Esmail’s direction is offbeat and dispassionate. This combined with a scattershot screenplay and oddly framed shots makes Comet an eclectic and often muddled oddity with a dubious view of modern love. It’s needlessly complex and flounders in attempt to find a fitting style, sitting awkwardly between genres. A slightly magical fairytale element manifests through folky sci-fi vistas but the story fails to unify for a fitting resolve. Comet merely trickles into alienating mediocrity while attempting to explore bolder territories. Strong dialogue and decent performances go some way to bolster what there is of a narrative but the charming moments are scarce.

While comparisons can be made to Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004), Michel Gondry’s film had a more interesting central concept and a strong narrative structure on which to hang its foibles. Comet’s lack of rhyme or reason combined with a tendency to flit jarringly between time zones, make it feel like more of a sauntering mood piece than a unique sci-fi curio. There are a few funny moments and the dialogue is often sharp but chemistry between the leads is a vital component in a film of this kind, and the lack of it is flagrant. The limp narrative and dainty genre traits make Comet feel like a flawed, disorientating oddity that fails to generate wonder and ultimately suffers from a serious lack of heart.

Daniel has awarded Comet two Torches of Truth

Given their low budgets, it is important for indie film-makers to capitalise on the talent involved in their production, the financial limitations involved often resulting in a very effective creativity. Everyone’s Going To Die, the debut of writer/director Jones, can be counted among those creative efforts; a dark and witty British drama with a slender narrative that boasts a distinctive visual style, interesting characters and superb performances that combine to provide a curious twist on the rom-com.

When Melanie (Nora Tschirner) awakens at a house party dressed as Charlie Chaplin and cannot find her fiancé, she embarks on a seaside odyssey and meets Ray (Rob Knighton), an older gentleman with an air of menace [and a perfect combination of Viggo Mortensen and Mads Mikkelsen]. The two chat and journey through town, getting to know each other while stumbling into mischievous antics involving children, animals and a Wiccan cult. Meanwhile, Melanie’s relationship with her fiancé becomes strained while the nature of Ray’s vocation, along with surfacing feelings for each other, begins to threaten their pleasant day out.

EGTD melds facets of Mike Leigh, David Lynch and the Coen Brothers yet doesn’t feel like a direct nod to any of them, skirting around styles without borrowing too heavily, feeling like a distinct piece of work as a result. It’s a film defined by the manner in which Jones captures the subtle nuances of the scenery and characters while aggrandizing the performances with original, quirky scenarios.

The story wanes at the end for a restrained resolution but one that acknowledges its subgenre traits. Some of the supporting performances are weak but the relationship between the leads is brilliantly captured, featuring a star in the making performance from Nora Tschirner. While lacking narrative refinement, EGTD remains a droll seaside drama bolstered by an odd but apt soundtrack; a fascinating, flawed and modest indie that is highly impressive for a debut feature. Along with many other low-budget indie films of its ilk, EGTD will have a limited theatrical run followed by a multi-platform release but is worth seeking out on the big screen where its inimitable flavour is best savoured.

Daniel has awarded Everyone’s Going to Die three Torches of Truth

Accidental Love, a film finally seeing the light of day after five years, assists Director David O’ Russell (using the nom de plume Stephen Greene) to redefine the art of terrible film-making; a rom-com to be ranked alongside other ham-fisted classics like Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959), Ishtar (1987) and Batman & Robin (1997). After accepting a marriage proposal from cop Scott (James Marsden), Jessica Biel’s roller-waitress Alice accidentally has a nail shot into her head by a clumsy decorator. Unable to afford the medical treatment needed to get it removed, Alice tracks down Jake Gyllenhaal’s nimble senator Howard Birdwell to convince him to pass an affordable healthcare bill. Howard intends to use Alice in his campaign to put a military base on the moon and true love naturally intervenes.

Accidental Love strives to make light of the darkness in its characters’ lives and catastrophically crashes while doing so. Jesting sequences featuring someone choking to death on a cookie, girl scouts accused of lesbianism, a drunk Kirstie Alley attempting to remove Alice’s nail with a pair of pliers, and a priest with a perpetual erection are howlers built into a story that’s also infused with casual racism. Many of its outlandish traits are similar to those featured in O’Russell’s I Heart Huckabees (2004) and worked so well in that case but are here overshadowed by brazen faults.

Accidental Love brandishes eccentric elements that clang with incongruous humour, a garbled story and despicable characters. With many “so bad they’re good” films there is a degree of unintentional humour generated from the pap factor, along with gaudy, over-theatrical elements which spawn a welcome kitsch. Accidental Love is odd because, even though it is garish, it’s not unintentionally funny and doesn’t have much in the way of redeeming qualities bar a couple of decent performances. The key characters are either despicable or naïve and there is no one likeable enough to generate empathy.

Despite the ghastly aspects, there is something about Accidental Love that is oddly compelling: the “how can it be so awful” aspect makes it an intriguing experience for analytical film fans but one that only the most hardened of cinematic masochists would want to endure.

Daniel has awarded Accidental Love one Torch of Truth

How could we not be sceptical about another book on 1980s movies? Nostalgia, ho! But Hadley Freeman’s ode slash entreaty to us not to forget how good we had it [despite what those awful film critics might have said at the time] paired with discussion of current industry goings-on does provide a considerable dollop of hey-I-never-knew-that alongside her own personal brand of 1980s film worship.

This is like reading The Guardian front to back only it’s all about films and is liberally dolloped with wise and fun words from many of our film heroes. With chapters on why abortion isn’t in film any more, how When Harry met Sally is a shining example of how romcoms can be totally excellent and how Ghostbusters provides a template for how men should behave (thought it would be something to do with crossing the streams but appears not), it is an entertaining read but one that must be picked up and put down again after every couple of chapters. There is much and detailed dissection of social issues as demonstrated by directors John Hughes and Tim Burton.

There is also far too much worship of Ferris Bueller for my liking and I have to confess that The Princess Bride did not make the same impact on me at all. So, unsurprisingly, some of it is subjective to individual film likings but obviously other film loves are universal. You will definitely need to break out every single film mentioned and give them another watch, especially the back catalogues of John Belushi, Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy.

You may not always agree with Hadley Freeman but her dedication to the minutiae of 80s film is commendable and she makes some points that will get your brain cog-things whirring. Anything which raises the increasingly important issue of the fact that the big studios are profit-focused machines which don’t really give a time machine built out of a DeLorean about how good or diverse the films are as long as they make the big bucks in China is marvellous in anyone’s book.

Maryann has awarded Life Moves Pretty Fast (book) three Torches of Truth